What does grieving my mom Your way look like for me?

27 October 2014
Compton Campground
Insight Hut #150
Branson MO


Today is the first day for me to be totally away from all who need loved, ministered to and whatever else since my precious mother's passing Monday, October 13, when she sung her way into Heaven and I was able to hand her over to God's loving arms at 7:17 am. Truly His Joy does come in the morning!

My amazing husband responded to my inability to be able to put healthy boundaries up (from others expectations, needs, demands, desires to love me as they wanted or needed to whether due to not knowing me and how I process or just needing to fulfill their own needs, etc) so I could center in and make sure I grieve as God intends instead of putting my needs aside for others and pushing through or burying inside. I totally, with my husband and sons agreement, gave my absolute all to my mom this past six months and almost exclusively the final month of her life with the finals weeks of not leaving her room except twice for appointments I couldn't reschedule. It was a sweet time however it also depleted my physical health.

So … here I sit in God's presence in Hut #150 in a remote county and city from home and my loved ones (I need to research that # significance as He was specific this hut, this time.) laying myself open before God at His throne asking, “What does grieving my mom look like according to You for me?”

After sitting on top the table and praying, I just sit in His beauty and … just BE. As I gaze out across the beauty of the fall foliage, trees of varying sizes and colors, He first brings into focus 3 sturdy, tall, prominent dark trees that stand out amidst the forest. The beauty and stature of the trees, out of all the many shapes, colors, statures of the trees, these three stand out predominately. I sense the closest to me represents my husband, Randy, who God has filled my life and blessed me with as a life mate. During this time with my mom he has grown and covered me like never before in my life. He has cried with me celebration tears after her passing and different times since. Like the tree, he is sturdy and tall, not perfect, not rigidly straight but purposeful and successfully focused at going ever upward to connect and be fed by the The Son, not twisted or tangled with the other trees of the forest, not handicapped nor marred by the challenges of his development.

Just beyond or past this tree are two of the same prominent type trees of just a tad smaller stature. They signify our sons, Josiah and Malachi. They are sheltered under the covering of the larger tree; however standing solidly alone in close proximity to each other as they are prepared to be predominate in the forest. They have been nurtured and allowed to develop into strong, sturdy, well-rooted trees that are no longer just under the coverage of their father tree but now in union and focused on reaching and staying in connection with The Son in their own personal relationship yet in communion with each other. They too are not twisted, gnarled or deformed. Not perfect and rigidly straight but always moving upward in growth.

I marvel at how despite Randy and I's being human, making choices and settling for less than His best, and being human battling the flesh as we strive to serve God, know Him more intimately and minister to those He brings to our lives, God has covered our sons through us with the aid of others to develop them as the mighty warriors God created them to be. Satan has been trying to wear me down by pointing out all the sacrifices and times the boys have done or gone without so we could, as a family, love on others as He leads. The times when I should have, would have, could have. Pointing out how we did't have purposeful Christlike boundaries in place so the boys and our family are/have been exposed to abusers, depleters, attackers, leeches, saboteurs, suckers, well-intended but not Christ directed deeds, busyness, etc. The burden is heavy when I allow my ear to listen to that, seeing all the errors and short comings of our choices. It brings the feeling of doom and gloom, of failing those we love the most that were given to us as our #1 mission field. Then (thank you God!) with just a breath or a blink of an eye, I choose to see with His Christ Perspective and I see how through all the challenges and abuse we all, including our sons, have grown and become stronger warriors learning from the goodness and the attacks. It has helped strengthen and develop character in each one of us. We have learned 'how to' and 'how not to' do by real life examples with sometimes Randy and I being the best examples of how not to do something! (Praise God our sons love us.) These times have taken our roots to deeper levels and continues to develop, deepen and spread out to allow us to ever continue growing and soaring in relationship with The Son. All these attacks or blights of the enemy have not marred their development but added to and expanded who they are, who we are as parents and who we are as a family. He is ever faithful.

My focus is then directed to smaller white birch and other variety trees and their colorful presence across the way. The Lord shows me as Randy and I strive continually to raise our knowledge, understanding and mantle for Christ that our sons are to launch from – the boys are being covered and raised to higher, deeper levels in Him as well. All of this and the overflow of God's love of, in and through us spreads out to help nurture, develop and feed others that God brings into our lives and ministry home. Each with their own purpose and direction that are blessed and grown/expanded by His presence in and on us that overflows to meet and fill their individual areas of need and growth. We love them all no matter their size, situation or stature. Some are thin vines that depend on others to hold them up but yet they still are intent on climbing higher. Others are bare branches, others full of leaves and fruit, some bland and some vibrant. Some have lost direction and are bent down, others have succumbed to hurts/wounds and developed no further or died completely. Through all this God shows me that we are an important part of His Kingdom. Even those that choose to give up and die bring His victory as the goodness from their nutrients from them returning to the earth help create rich soil for others to grow from. As we focus and grow in Him setting our mantle ever higher, as we grow in new light and knowledge to cover and launch our sons from … others are also fed by Him through us to the extent that they are willing to open up and receive. Some up close in relationship and others from a far just watching our walk and daily lives. What a humbling and heavy responsibility. Makes my seeking how to walk out grieving my mom His way even more important. Makes learning how to love ourselves so we can love our neighbors best even more of a priority. Makes my words and actions even more important and accountable even when I think no one is probably looking.

As I continue to delight in His revelations in nature He draws my attention to the sound and feel of the breeze. It started gently, softly moving just a few trees that were open and flexible to allow it to move them. As time continues it is growing as the wind picks up and other trees join in. It's almost like a “wave” that starts in one area and spreads to another. Like a single chorus that then develops into a musical round. The sweetness and now the beauty as the trees are beginning to sway and dance more with others joining in. The trees God showed as our family are ever so peacefully, gracefully flowing back and forth to the movement of the music. Those trees that are surrounding near and far are being nurtured, expanded and encouraged to join in more freely and vigorously in praising the mighty One. There are some who are boldly moving, those that are timid and those that are just observing the others. Each are able to learn from those that are further in development, learning how to be more open and flexible to flow with the Holy Spirit … or choose to stay stiff and unyielding, breaking under the challenges, decaying and eventually rotting to return nutrients to the ground to feed the other living trees – yet again an example of God's victory in even the darkest choices. It takes each one in their individually different levels and forms of worship to preform this beautiful display and sound of God and His mighty Love for each one of us, no matter where we are or what we have done. We each one have been specifically created from His thought of who we are and have an important part of what He is doing in His Kingdom. You do matter. He yearns for you to give Him whatever love and adoration you are capable of at the moment and loves you even when you are loving and adoring something or someone else. He is a patient God and waits with anticipation for you … even to your dying breath.

With the increased breeze I'm being lead to go seek warmer covering. So, on that note … I shall return to continue the quest of “What does grieving my mom look like according to You for me?”. Thanks to those who are prayerfully lifting me up during this journey. I love you and speak blessings for your faithfulness. Wonder what Hut # and insight He has already planned for me next!